Wednesday, September 29, 2010

What was I thinking?

Why on earth did I sign up for pre-7am notifications of my "not correct"? In an environment designed to change the way I do things? Take things that feel good already and make them feel different, adjust me in things I want to do independently. Then change the rules once in a while.

I'm not saying that any of this is bad or unnecessary for my progress as a human being. There's got to be a lesson in there, and the discomfort will be worth it.

I'm starting to get this protective/defensive feeling now of "this is mine" about my practice that was never there before. I'm sure it is ego (what else would it be?) and therefore not good, but it is so strong. Feeling a little toxic, been permeating my practice. Have to sort this out.

I'm tempted to practice at home for a while to get through it, but I absolutely love the community aspect of mysore and could never give it up entirely.

This surrendering stuff is hard. I don't have any answers.


Liz said...

Is that where you've been? In the shala?? I wondered what was up! Your post is somewhat cryptic, but I'm guessing you have a teacher who is changing your practice a lot and maybe holding you back from where you go on your own?

I had a teacher come in and change everything I did, down to my chaturanga. I was SO MAD. It was hard, I felt defeated, and my ego was bruised. But now it has all paid off. I hope you find the same success!

Without knowing the full story, I may be asking the wrong questions, but have you talked to your teacher about your frustrations? Or asked what is expected of you to be "correct"? Sometimes it helps.

Sorry for the essay. Missed your blog!

KMB said...

Hi Liz!!

I think it's a phase, some disillusionment...

I'm being adjusted in a "new way" in asanas that I've been able to do for a long while.

I LOVE "losing" an adjustment and being able to do something without help. I don't like having to go back to that adjustment after I haven't needed or wanted it in months.

Sometimes I find that what I'm being told contradicts my own physical experience. I used to be able to just set my physical experience aside and TRY the suggested method. But more and more I just plain disagree with what i'm being told to do or HOW. I'm not sure how to handle that in a mysore room other than nodding, trying it and (usually) hating it.

Is that part of the process? I guess it probably is :-)

I could probably do a better job of communicating this to my teacher. I don't think it would change her approach though. Like most mysore teachers, she's pretty strong in her convictions.

How long did it take you to adjust? It sounds like you had a similar experience, I'm really glad you came out the other side having learned something! There's hope!

It's making me dread practice and I hate that...BAH, i'll get over it.

Missed your blog too!!

Liz said...

Well, you could have a sucky teacher. ha ha!! I mean, not everyone knows what she or he is doing. I do know that there have been many things changed that I resisted whole heartedly, but eventually I understood and it DID make things better and keep me from being injured.

Things I remember being changed:
Upward dog
foot rotations in Utthita Trikonasana through Parivritta Parsvakonasana
Back bends
the way I did my drop backs
almost every single pose in intermediate (for real)
and a strong emphasis on using my legs because I had never been taught to use them.

Now, those were more instructional than actual adjustments, so maybe you're dealing with something different.

Dreading practice sucks. I'm so sorry. I hope you can figure out if change will strengthen you or if it's just not the right change. You could be a bad match as student/teacher.
(I sent you an email, did you get it?)

KMB said...

I got your email Liz - thanks! I don't know how I'll figure this out...I've really liked where I practice for a long time and these feelings are pretty recent. So I have to decide if I can live with the changes or if I need to make a (bigger) change. :-)

Whatever the case, I need to figure it out soon so I can look forward to practice again!

Liz said...

okay... got the picture. Sounds like an inexperienced teacher. I don't think you're off the mark at all. It could be a huge challenge to find the ways you can grow in your practice with this teacher... since... it may not be with asana! HA HA!!!

Too bad you can't find a supplemental vinyasa class where you work on your challenging poses but in a different setting. Then you could put them into your home practice. Not a very traditional way of learning Ashtanga, but in your case, it might serve you better.